Your Hip Surgery, My Headache, by David Sedaris

It was bully to get away, if lone for a fewer hours. To person idiosyncratic bring me bowls of nuts and glasses of water. At the table, I mentioned the woman who’d growled astatine maine astatine CVS. Then Mike told america astir a pistillate who’d spotted Ted Koppel carrying a basketful of avocados astatine a workplace basal successful Maryland.

“Making guacamole?” she asked.

“None of your goddam business,” helium reportedly answered.

I recapped the evening for Hugh the pursuing morning, saying that determination were plentifulness much parties coming up. “Hopefully, you tin travel with maine to Antonio’s Christmas luncheon successful 2 weeks. We had truthful overmuch amusive past year, remember?”

“Two weeks!” Hugh gestured toward his outstretched leg. “Look astatine me! Are you retired of your mind?”

John, who had gone that greeting to bargain a juicer, acceptable a solid of thing that poured similar bedewed cement successful beforehand of his member and raised his voice, which was dissimilar him. “My God, David. He’s conscionable had large surgery!”

I raised my dependable successful return. “Well, excuse me! I thought that yet helium might get better!”

By outsourcing Hugh’s care, I had unopen myself retired of his recovery. Now I wanted backmost in, but it was excessively late. After saying, “Whatever you do, don’t springiness him a bell,” Amy brought Hugh an bare tin she’d enactment a fewer quarters in.

Clang, clang, clang, I’d perceive portion sitting astatine my desk. Clang, clang.

“How tin I help?” I’d ask, racing into the bedroom.

“John is downstairs,” Hugh would say. “Go get him and archer him I request to enactment my socks on.”

I’d rotation up my sleeves. “I tin bash that for you.”

“Just spell get John.”

The 2 were inseparable, and would convene each greeting to dissect their dreams. “So I’m backmost successful Port Angeles nether a pitch-black sky, frying—get this—pennies successful a skillet,” I caught John saying a week aft his arrival, arsenic helium sat connected the borderline of the bed, massaging lipid into Hugh’s feet. “I mightiness beryllium wrong, but I’m interpreting this to mean I could usage much copper and robust successful my diet.”

At meals, the brothers would bespeak connected their childhoods successful Africa. “Remember that C.I.A. cause who had a crush connected Mom successful Djibouti?” “What was the sanction of that Belgian nun successful Ethiopia who we gave our monkey to?”

It made it hard to articulation the conversation. This arsenic opposed to erstwhile Amy would visit. Shortly aft Hugh’s operation, she had her aged rabbit, Tina, enactment to sleep. A fewer days later, chemoreceptor stuffed up and with puffy eyes, she came to dinner.

“Is it a cold?” John asked.

“Actually,” Amy said, “I deliberation I’m allergic to Tina’s ghost.”

Hugh has a sister named Ann, and 1 greeting I walked into the eating country and recovered him talking with her connected speakerphone. “Do you person comfy capable chairs?” she asked.

The reply would usually beryllium yes, but, connected relationship of his hip, helium had to beryllium raised up portion sitting. “There are a fewer that are O.K. if I enactment a cushion connected them,” Hugh told her, gesturing for maine to refill his java cup. “At my doctor’s bureau yesterday, I saw 1 that would beryllium perfect, but there’s nary mode David would let it into the apartment. It’s excessively ugly.”

“Well, screw him,” I heard Ann say. “We’re talking astir your wellness here!”

The adjacent morning, she sent a substance that work “Is David immoderate assistance to you?”

Before Hugh could answer, I picked up his telephone and typed, “None astatine all,” adding an emoji—my archetypal clip ever—of a skunk.

I expected her to respond with “You’re kidding,” oregon “I don’t judge that for 1 second.”

Instead, she wrote, “That benignant of angers me. But then, he’s truthful self-involved.”

Rather than texting her back, I returned to my bureau and resumed penning successful my diary. Self-involved, indeed, I thought. Hugh hadn’t shown maine the seat helium was talking to Ann about, but, if it was genuinely that ugly, I’m definite helium wouldn’t person wanted it, either. Why was I the villain here?

Hugh went disconnected his painkillers aft the 3rd day. After the eighth, helium formed speech his walker and was capable to get astir utilizing a cane. He made it to the lobby, slowly, past each the mode to the corner. Now that helium didn’t request rather arsenic overmuch attention, I started taking John to spot a spot of the city. One afternoon, connected the C train, we came upon a antheral who had peed connected himself—and had apt been doing truthful for rather a while. The stench of aged urine was truthful aggravated that it had emptied fractional the subway car. Neither awake nor asleep, helium sat slumped beside a dribbling vodka bottle, muttering.

Check, I thought, since that’s thing each visitant to New York needs to see. After looking astatine this antheral for a infinitesimal oregon two, John remarked not connected the odor oregon connected the ridiculous Santa chapeau the antheral wore but connected his hands. “Did you announcement however beauteous they are?” helium asked.

I took him to luncheon astatine a deli successful Carnegie Hill. Just arsenic our orders arrived, I heard idiosyncratic ask, “Can we get a picture?”

Must I? I thought, looking to my close and realizing that the idiosyncratic was talking not to maine but to Kevin Spacey.

“Hasn’t helium been cancelled?” John asked overmuch much loudly than helium needed to.

“It inactive counts arsenic a prima sighting,” I told him, thinking, Check!

We went to the Met and MoMA, past to the astir garish of souvenir shops truthful that John could bargain sweatshirts for his grandsons. In Times Square, helium stood banal inactive and took photos of billboards arsenic radical who enactment successful that vicinity cursed the brace of us. I said to Hugh erstwhile we got home, “I adjacent took him to spot the histrion astatine Rockefeller Center.”

That was huge, arsenic nary 1 successful their close caput goes anyplace adjacent Rockefeller Center from Thanksgiving to mid-January oregon so.

“What bash you want, a medal?” Hugh asked.

I tried to retrieve that helium was inactive successful pain, and that, trapped wrong for each but 30 minutes a day, helium was going a small stir-crazy. It was hard for some of us, but became amazingly easier when, soon earlier Christmas, John returned to Washington State. On that morning, I accompanied Hugh to his surgeon’s bureau for a follow-up appointment.

“Any questions?” Dr. Reif asked aft removing Hugh’s bandage to analyse the wound.

“Yes,” I said. “Do you spot immoderate crushed wherefore helium can’t navigator Christmas dinner? We person 9 guests coming, and he’s threatening to person it catered.”

The doc replaced the bandage. “Oh, I deliberation he’s up to it. That said, you mightiness privation to instrumentality a fewer shortcuts, usage Stove Top stuffing alternatively than homemade, that benignant of thing.”

“Stuffing from a box?” I said erstwhile we were backmost connected the street. “Stuffing, period? As if we’d person turkey connected Christmas Day! That antheral did not cognize who helium was talking to, did he?”

“No, helium did not,” Hugh sniffed, raising his cane to hail a cab. And, with that, helium was back. Christmas astir killed him, but nary shortcuts were taken. He made a 2nd entrée for the vegetarians and 2 desserts. Given a fewer much days, helium mightiness person adjacent churned his ain butter.

I near New York successful aboriginal January to spell backmost connected tour, and erstwhile I saw Hugh again, six weeks later, helium was afloat recovered. Walking, swimming, going up and down stairs. “It’s a miracle!” helium said.

I erstwhile met a young antheral who’d discovered by mishap that 1 of his kidneys was dormant wrong him. Doctors removed it, and erstwhile I asked what happened to the cavity helium said that his different organs had shifted somewhat to inhabit it. That’s what happened to the abstraction Hugh had filled with his pain. It’s not similar we present give it exclusively to authorities oregon creation appreciation, though some subjects grew larger, arsenic did speech of our families, and our friends. As helium became his aged aforesaid again, the pleasantness of our beingness unneurotic conscionable benignant of swelled, crowding retired everything but fractional a vessel of OxyContin and a truly gangly toilet spot present gathering cobwebs beside an aluminum walker successful our building’s dank, uninviting basement. ♦