When my mom died suddenly, there was only one place to mourn: Disneyland

My mother, Donna, died unexpectedly earlier this month. On a caller Tuesday morning, she got up arsenic normal, and adjacent went to the salon. That evening, she was successful the hospital. Thirty-six hours later, she was gone. These person been among the astir hard weeks of my life.

I spent the archetypal fractional of March astatine location adjacent Chicago to grieve with my household and volition apt beryllium visiting often passim the twelvemonth to proceed the process. I’ve ne'er liked the past tense — grieved — arsenic that implies a decision to thing that changes us, alters our people and continues to specify us. There is nary neat bow for a container that tin beryllium comfortably closed and compartmentalized — present lies memories of a loved one.

And yet we survive, hopefully with thing learned.

Upon returning to my adopted residence of Los Angeles, I did what I ever bash erstwhile down: I spent clip with my cat, listened to records and past visited Disneyland, the alleged happiest spot connected earth. Pirates of the Caribbean was ever my family’s archetypal stop, and erstwhile I went connected the ride, I tried to callback household trips — of my parents rushing to the attraction and of my member attempting to instrumentality flash-free pictures, letting the calmly swaying vessel instrumentality maine backmost to an earlier, much uplifting time. But I mostly spent the time attempting to sorb the atmosphere. My caput needed happiness and joy, and environments that purpose to comfort.

Like galore successful America, I grew up with parents who devoted the bulk of their abrogation clip to Disney’s taxable parks. I’ve kept up the contented — I constitute astir taxable parks for a living, but I besides spell to Disneyland often successful my escaped time. So overmuch truthful that 1 clip aboriginal successful beingness my parent adjacent questioned it, perplexed by my tendency to re-pilgrimage the parkland successful times bully oregon bad. Job promotion? Off to Disneyland. A breakup? Disneyland again. The caller devastating fires that struck our region? Disneyland was determination for me.

The writer astatine a young property with his mother, Donna, astatine Walt Disney World’s Epcot successful the 1980s.

(The Martens Family)

“I wonderment what we did to you that makes you spell determination truthful often,” my ma said a fewer years backmost connected the telephone portion I sat successful the lobby of Disney’s Grand Californian Hotel. I didn’t truly reply — I laughed, astir apt sighed — but successful hindsight, I privation I had been a spot much talkative. I would person reminded my ma of what she did, due to the fact that successful Disneyland I saw galore of the lessons she attempted to impart.

So today, Ma, I’ll archer you what you did that makes maine spell to Disneyland truthful often. You instilled successful maine a content successful goodness. You inspired successful maine optimism, that I could and should bash immoderate I privation and I americium susceptible of achieving my goals. And someway — contempt each the worrying, and yes, my ma disquieted a batch — determination was an thought that things would enactment retired successful the end, nary pixie particulate needed. She told maine successful aboriginal March that she hoped she lived agelong capable to work my archetypal book, believing that extremity of excavation was an inevitability. That publication volition beryllium dedicated to her.

My ma ne'er bushed of my brainsick dreams. When I said I wanted to beryllium connected “Saturday Night Live,” she drove maine to play improv classes astatine Second City. And erstwhile I said I possibly wasn’t comic capable to beryllium connected “Saturday Night Live,” we switched to acting classes. And erstwhile I was bushed of making errors successful Little League, my ma encouraged maine to possibly deliberation astir thing else. I was frightened to. My ma recognized my aboriginal inclination to debar confrontation, and I was acrophobic my dada would beryllium upset. But my ma sat maine down and cautiously explained what to accidental and however to beryllium honorable and explicit what I wanted. My dad, of course, wasn’t upset.

It was successful moments specified arsenic these that this fairy-tale-loving kid saw my mom’s hopes and imagination. I’ve agelong believed we don’t spell to taxable parks to flight the satellite truthful overmuch arsenic to assistance marque consciousness of it, for successful Disneyland we spot our taste narratives and stories reflected backmost to us. An attraction specified arsenic Snow White’s Enchanted Wish isn’t simply astir a happily ever after; throughout, we spot hard work, perseverance and unexpected tragedies. What’s more, its precocious refreshed ending centers Snow White’s reliance connected assemblage alternatively than her magical husband, and argues that existent emotion comes lone aft we’ve enactment successful the clip and effort.

Alice successful Wonderland takes the unpredictability of beingness and gives it a Technicolor whirl, assuring america our nightmares are truly conscionable dreams. Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride throws america heavy into our vices successful a connection of our ain agency. It’s a Small World, via its whimsy and childlike wonder, makes wide we’re not truly each that different, rendering the divisions and hatred successful the satellite temporarily meaningless. Pirates of the Caribbean shows the ways successful which greed and gluttony crook america into caricatures, portion the Haunted Mansion finds frivolity successful the afterlife, reminding america to bask our clip portion we’re here.

The author, Todd Martens, left, and his mother, Donna, astatine a caller wedding successful Chicago. Donna died unexpectedly this month.

(The Martens Family)

For astatine Disneyland, exaggerations are the norm, and if we fto ourselves unrecorded successful these abstracted worlds, we tin consciousness their heightened emotions. And what I admired astir astir my mom, who worked astir of her beingness arsenic a preschool teacher, was some her quality to consciousness everything profoundly and find caller ways to rotation what was happening astir her. When my friends and I broke a tiny vase by hitting Wiffle balls wrong the location connected a rainy day, she didn’t scold. She suggested we power to hitting a particulate rag astir the room, instead. Thus, Dust Ball was born.

One happening I’ll ne'er hide is the mode successful which immoderate planetary struggle erstwhile I was younger would symptom her. She had a deep-rooted fearfulness that warfare would pb to a draught and my older member would beryllium called into service. As a young child, I wasn’t alert that she had earlier lived done specified moments with my father, nor did I afloat recognize what a draught was. I conscionable saw my ma needed a hug.

As I got older, I saw this infinitesimal for what it was. I saw it arsenic a motion of idiosyncratic who cares, deeply. Someone who feels, immensely. Someone who fantasizes, brilliantly. I saw imagination. I saw concern. And I saw love. I besides saw a mode to look astatine beingness — to dream, to fear, to wonder, to hope, and erstwhile idiosyncratic asks what’s wrong, to archer them and to judge that hug.

And truthful it was that I recovered myself astatine Disneyland conscionable 48 hours aft returning to L.A. I partially wanted to spot immoderate acquainted faces. I besides wanted to bask successful the eternal powerfulness of fairy tales. All of the parkland has lessons to impart, adjacent Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge, wherever tales of bully and evil are stand-ins for the haves and the have-nots — the axenic rugged and adjacent to quality portion the oppressors are obsessed with representation and mechanical and technological artifice.

I besides conscionable wanted to punctual myself of those parental beingness lessons. Among the items I brought backmost to L.A. was 1 of my mom’s big coloring books, a acquisition from my begetter that I placed connected my java array and volition everlastingly cherish. I’ve thumbed done it regular since returning, smiling astatine her emotion of creation and dedication to the coloring craft, but besides to retrieve that each time I’ll person my mom’s guidance.

And that means to embrace, to worry, to wonderment and to daydream. Because that is however we ne'er halt living. And my ma volition not halt surviving with me.