Review: Roses are red, but the flat chemistry of 'Love Hurts' is a snooze

“Love Hurts” is an action-romance that fizzles similar a science-class volcano made of baking soda and cheese. The idiosyncratic ingredients are fine: 2 killers connected the tally from punishment and their idiosyncratic feelings for each other, played by Oscar winners Ke Huy Quan and Ariana DeBose. But their chemistry is each wrong.

Quan stars arsenic Marvin, a Milwaukee assassin who hung up his pistols to commencement selling luxury existent estate. Some vague fig of years ago, his gangster member Knuckles (Daniel Wu) ordered Marvin to execute Rose (DeBose), his crush, for stealing $4 million. Marvin whiffed the assignment. Both went underground and changed careers: Rose tends bar, Marvin conscionable won Regional Realtor of the Year. If you deliberation it’s implausible that a section ex-hitman would paste his sanction and look connected each autobus halt successful Wisconsin, conscionable hold till you spot Quan and DeBose kiss.

Rose resurfaces, goons springiness chase, mayhem ensues. The slugfest is by first-time filmmaker Jonathan Eusebio, a stunt coordinator for “The Fall Guy” and “Black Panther.” (“John Wick” manager David Leitch’s institution 87North produced the film.) Eusebio is simply a fighter, not a lover. He keeps Quan busily bludgeoning atrocious guys — including Cam Gigandet’s Merlo — with immoderate limb helium has handy: pencils, staple removers, soda cans, laptops. At a specified 83 minutes, the movie’s gait is excessively enthusiastic to admit the choreography. Look adjacent — Quan adjacent uses cooky cutters similar brass knuckles.

Ariana DeBose successful the movie “Love Hurts.”

(Allen Fraser / Universal Pictures)

Similarly the publication (by Matthew Murray, Josh Stoddard and Luke Passmore) grabs astatine thing that mightiness work. The hook is that this showdown is taking spot connected Valentine’s Day, though the plotting is truthful loosey-goosey that, for perfectly nary reason, radical instrumentality a nap and the climax doesn’t hap until the evening of Feb. 15. There’s a changeable of a burlesque dancer dressed similar Cupid, but wide you perceive arsenic overmuch speech astir siblings arsenic you bash sweethearts. The lone genuinely affectional infinitesimal comes erstwhile Sean Astin, arsenic Marvin’s civilian-world mentor, beams that helium loves having him implicit — for Thanksgiving? Otherwise, Valentine’s Day is unrecognizable whenever the movie starts explaining its thematic resonance. Rose goes connected and connected astir state — a connection much associated with divorcement — portion Marvin says that it’s a time astir “the anticipation of the unexpected.” Does helium mean April Fools’ Day?

The archetypal fractional hr is beardown capable that “Love Hurts” astir earns the payment of the doubt. When it inactive has vigor to impressment us, the benignant is snappy and crisp with daze edits and absorbing ocular choices. During the 2nd large brawl, cinematographer Bridger Nielson sticks the camera successful a microwave, past a fridge. Brutality cuts done the heavy-handed comedy. Here, the sets are either packed with colors and neon oregon decorated with inspirational quotes that read, “Love Lives Here.” I groaned to spot a elephantine fork and spoon mounted connected the room partition of 1 of Marvin’s for-sale properties, past smiled erstwhile the silverware got ripped down and repurposed arsenic jousting weapons.

Quan’s Marvin claims that being a Realtor is the existent him: a happy, kindly sweater vest-clad dork who successful nary beingness seems similar helium could person a corpse number longer than his look for Crock-Pot stew. The movie doesn’t effort to acceptable these 2 halves of his personalty together. Past Marvin had a mustache, hairsbreadth pomade and acold eyes — that’s arsenic overmuch heavy science arsenic we get. Yet, adjacent arsenic an implausible cartoon, Quan is truthful endearing that when, aboriginal on, helium gets a weapon driven done his hand, we’re shocked — it’s similar watching a teddy carnivore get tortured. He’s truthful battered by the extremity of the archetypal enactment that you can’t ideate however this wreck volition get done the movie.

Eusebio has amusive with his starring man’s diminutive size. At his afloat height, Quan seems hardly taller than immoderate foes connected their knees. The champion combat country is simply a three-way brawl betwixt Marvin and 2 strongmen, King (Marshawn Lynch) and Otis (André Eriksen), who flip him astir their backs, flip him implicit their heads and fling him into furniture. (Marvin should prosecute these guys arsenic sign-spinners for his adjacent unfastened house.) Lynch, a dainty aft his memorable cameo successful “Bottoms,” calls Marvin a “spider monkey ninja god.” The erstwhile NFL moving backmost (and co-host of California Gov. Gavin Newsom’s podcast) earns the lone existent laughs successful the comedy. Other jokes get a mild smile.

Nothing makes sense. During the last combat scene, it’s intolerable to explicate the characters’ motivations without an oculus roll. Wu’s transgression caput is suave, but the main memorable happening astir him is helium likes to sip boba successful dilatory motion. Bold yet insubstantial, “Love Hurts” insecurely asks the people to bash excessively overmuch work, pounding distant astatine a funky spy way earlier unconvincingly pivoting to thing sincere.

Worse are Marvin and Rose’s tacked-on interior monologues astir their thwarted passions for each different that lone service to marque it much evident what’s not really connected screen. If it weren’t for Marvin’s voice-over insisting that helium loves Rose, the thought that these characters could hook up would ne'er transverse your mind. Neither histrion truly tries to surmount their 20-year property gap. Next to Quan’s blast of charm, DeBose’s quality has much maturity. Striding confidently done the movie, she seems similar she could swallow him whole. Dialogue tip: When your romanticist twosome is this miscast, don’t underline the contented by having 1 of them say, “Make maine judge it.”

At slightest there’s a secondary mates played by Mustafa Shakir and Lio Tipton. He’s a gothy poetry-scribbling butcher nicknamed the Raven; she’s Marvin’s depressive assistant, Ash. They don’t marque immoderate consciousness either, but they astatine slightest look astatine each other’s faces with genuine fascination, trying to salvage this misfire similar an aerial mattress nether Evel Knievel. The Raven and Ash walk astir of the moving clip siloed distant from the action, with Eusebio cutting backmost to them whenever helium needs a jolt of flirtation. When they yet barge backmost into the main plot, Ash chirps, “Find thing you emotion and spell aft it.” She’s not joking, but my theatre burst into guffaws.