Lopez: A candid take on mortality and the power of friendship

They stitchery respective times a week successful the parking batch of a Vons supermarket successful Mar Vista, and nary taxable is off-limits. Not adjacent the grim aesculapian prognosis for 70-year-old David Mays, 1 of the founding members of the java klatch.

“It’s 1 of our large topics of conversation,” said Paul Morgan, 45, a klatch regular.

Mays is simply a crab subsister with a afloat bundle of maladies, including diabetes, a faltering bosom and failing kidneys. But since I met him astir 2 years ago, helium has told maine repeatedly that helium doesn’t privation dialysis treatment, adjacent though it mightiness widen his life.

“I get it, due to the fact that it’s a batch of hours retired of your day,” said Morgan, a schoolteacher who lives nearby. “People deliberation you spell successful for dialysis for 15 minutes earlier you spell consecutive to work. But really, it’s a part-time job.”

Steve Lopez

Steve Lopez is simply a California autochthonal who has been a Los Angeles Times columnist since 2001. He has won much than a twelve nationalist journalism awards and is simply a four-time Pulitzer finalist.

His attraction would necessitate that helium sojourn a dialysis halfway 3 times a week, for 4 hours each time, Mays said.

“For the remainder of my life.”

“I don’t deliberation I could bash it,” said klatcher Kit Bradley, 70, who lives successful a van adjacent the supermarket with his dog, Lea.

I met Mays successful October 2023, erstwhile helium was surviving successful his Chevy Malibu successful a downtown store that was portion of the Safe Parking L.A. program. Mays aboriginal moved into an flat successful East Hollywood and inactive lives there, but his wellness has continued to deteriorate.

“He is Stage 5,” said Dr. Thet Thet Aung, Mays’ nephrologist astatine Kaiser Permanente West Los Angeles.

David Mays, center, enjoys a greeting get-together with Paul Morgan, left, and Kit Bradley successful a Vons parking batch successful West Los Angeles connected June 25, 2025.

(Genaro Molina / Los Angeles Times)

For specified patients, Aung said, decease tin beryllium imminent. She told maine she’s had galore conversations with Mays astir his attraction options, including dialysis successful a session oregon self-administered astatine home. But not everyone does good connected dialysis, she added, and erstwhile a diligent makes an informed choice, “we respect their wishes.”

Mays has a refreshingly steadfast cognition astir mortality. Multibillion-dollar industries cater to those who privation to look younger and unrecorded longer, and astir 25% of Medicare’s monolithic outlay is spent connected patients successful the past twelvemonth of life, galore of whom take life-extending aesculapian procedures.

Mays, successful the clip I’ve known him, has been realistic alternatively than fatalistic. He has told maine helium doesn’t deliberation bravery, religion oregon spirituality has thing to bash with his tendency to fto quality instrumentality its course.

“It transcends those things,” helium said.

He’s astatine bid with his fate, helium explained, due to the fact that he’s got friends, emotion and support.

On a caller time astatine his apartment, I watched Mays load medicine from much than 20 vials into a play pill organizer.

“I could astir bash this successful my sleep,” helium said arsenic helium arranged meds that resembled miniature jelly beans. This 1 for his kidneys, that 1 for his heart, his humor pressure, and connected and on.

Bottles of medicine and photos of adjacent friends remainder connected David Mays’ array astatine his flat successful East Hollywood.

(Genaro Molina / Los Angeles Times)

There were 18 pills successful each compartment. And nary of that volition cure immoderate of what ails him, helium said.

“You conscionable person to support doing it, and doing it, conscionable to enactment astatine a sustained level,” helium said. “It’s not similar … I consciousness large due to the fact that I took this stuff.”

Two women successful Mays’ beingness are heartbroken astir his information but respectful of his refusal to effort dialysis.

“I don’t privation him to endure for the involvement of placating different people,” said Mays’ girl Jennifer Nutt, 47, of Merced.

Her parents divorced erstwhile she and her member were young, and Nutt had nary narration with Mays until recently. She’s had her ain trials, Nutt said, including homelessness.

Father and girl began connecting successful the autumn of 2024.

“We walk hours each time talking. It’s similar a nonstop festival of catching up,” and they’ve discovered they person the aforesaid cheeky consciousness of wit and pragmatism, and akin traits and interests.

“We similar large words and heavy books,” Nutt said.

The different pistillate is Helena Bake, of Perth, Australia, a registered caregiver Mays affectionately refers to arsenic “Precious.” They met successful 1985, erstwhile Mays was visiting London, and Bake, 18 astatine the time, was moving successful a edifice helium visited with friends. After Bake moved to Australia, Mays visited her galore times and became adjacent to her full family.

“He was lovely,” said Bake, who is not amazed by Mays’ cognition astir his deteriorating health. “He’s ever precise affirmative and truthful pragmatic. He has this fantastic presumption of the satellite and the radical successful his life. It’s specified a acquisition that helium has.”

Mays, who gets by connected Social Security payments, has acceptable up a GoFundMe leafage to assistance wage for his cremation and nonstop his ashes to Bake, to beryllium scattered successful his favourite places successful Australia.

Lately, aesculapian appointments with his respective doctors, and the occasional ER visit, person gotten successful the mode of 1 of Mays’ favourite activities — the gatherings successful the Vons parking lot.

David Mays is “always precise affirmative and truthful pragmatic. He has this fantastic presumption of the satellite and the radical successful his life. It’s specified a acquisition that helium has,” a longtime person says.

(Genaro Molina / Los Angeles Times)

Mays worked for galore years successful the Mar Vista country arsenic a live-in elder attraction provider, and he’d bump into Bradley astatine a park, oregon Morgan successful the portion promenade that includes the market store. Several years ago, they made a wont of grabbing java astir 7 a.m. and hanging retired adjacent Mays’ car. Bradley’s canine often hops into the vehicle, a Vons worker named Elvis comes retired for a fume break, and others travel and go.

“I had a relative who had diabetes, and helium called my ma 1 time and said, ‘I’m not doing it anymore,’ ” Morgan was saying the different day. His parent wasn’t supportive astatine first, helium told the klatch, but she listened to her nephew’s mentation and came around. “Who could justice idiosyncratic for the choices they marque successful that situation?”

“There’s a waiting database for kidneys of 2 to 8 years,” Mays said. “Let’s accidental [in] 4 oregon 5 years, determination was a kidney available. Your assemblage tin cull it … and past you’re backmost to the drafting board…. I told Precious astir this similar a twelvemonth and a fractional agone … and she said, ‘I person to bent up present due to the fact that I person to process this.’ And the adjacent clip I talked with her, she said, ‘I get it.’ ”

Mays said helium doesn’t privation to beryllium “a captive to a process, similar a instrumentality oregon something.”

“And you person to bash this indefinitely. It’s not similar you’re connected it for 2 oregon 3 years…,” helium said. “It is. The. Rest. Of. Your. Life.”

“I’ve seen radical that were connected dialysis,” said Bradley, a erstwhile musician. “I deliberation I’d alternatively beryllium just, if I gotta go, I gotta go.”

Morgan said his father, who died past year, had kidney problems successful the extremity and resisted utmost measures to widen his life.

“It’s not similar helium was astatine each suicidal, conscionable similar David’s not,” Morgan said. “The happening astir David is, he’s ever been truthful resolute astir it. We’ve ne'er had a treatment wherever I felt similar we could waver him, oregon similar helium was connected the fence.”

When helium archetypal resisted dialysis, Mays said, doctors acceptable him up successful a country with a video that explained the process.

“I watched the full thing, and that was the clincher,” Mays said. “By the clip I got done looking astatine that, I’m conscionable going, ‘Oh HELL no.’”

It’s not that helium wants to die, Mays said. It’s that helium wants to unrecorded connected his terms.

“The irony of the full happening is, it’s each the radical that I person astir maine — they’re the crushed I’m consenting to spell similar this. What I get from them successful the mode of being … uplifted and loved, well, erstwhile you person each that, you tin woody with anything.”

He has his klatch buddies, helium has Precious, helium has his girl successful his beingness again.

“With radical astir that springiness a damn astir you, attraction astir you, you tin woody … with death, you tin woody with dying.... And I told my doctors I would alternatively unrecorded a shorter play of time, but with what I consciousness to beryllium immoderate decent prime of life, than unrecorded a longer play of clip and beryllium miserable. And I would beryllium miserable connected dialysis,” Mays said.

“Plus, I’m 70. It ain’t similar I’m 30 and there’s truthful overmuch beingness to live. I americium the property that I am, and I would similar to spell further, sure, but it has to adjacent retired soon. And I’m good with that, due to the fact that I person lived.”

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