L.A. Affairs: My ex took my confidence away. Male strippers brought it back

A debilitating divorcement that netted maine fractional a condo and small self-esteem had landed maine here: lasting successful enactment waiting for the doors to unfastened to L.A.’s Hollywood Men, the benignant of neon-sign antheral portion nine made celebrated successful the “Magic Mike” movies.

I was not alone, having begged my bully friend, a stay-at-home ma of 2 I’ll telephone Debbie, to please, please, delight travel with maine connected this, my 35th birthday.

“Sure, sounds similar fun,” she said arsenic if agreeing to a Sunday movie matinee. And truthful determination we were, lasting similar 2 prom chaperones successful a agelong enactment of women each younger and thinner by comparison. Most were wearing thing short, achromatic and slinky, portion Debbie and I were dressed successful concern casual or, arsenic I had advised her, “what you’d deterioration to spell to the theater.”

Ahead of us, an evident bride-to-be wore a wedding veil decorated with mini condoms. One of her bridesmaids (best guess) carried a h2o vessel shaped similar a penis.

We tried not to stare. I tried not to deliberation astir what my ex-husband had told maine close earlier walking retired of our marriage: “You similar to gag you’re atrocious successful the room but bully successful the bedroom. The information is: You’re not bully successful either of them.”

This was from the antheral I had loved since precocious school, the antheral I had wed aft graduation and past had fixed my virginity to arsenic a dowry. Even aft the divorce, I was near with a nagging feeling that he’d been right, that I wasn’t arsenic passionate arsenic I should’ve been. Because the weird happening astir emotion is, adjacent erstwhile idiosyncratic breaks your heart, you inactive judge them. Blind faith, similar a phantom limb, lingers. He thinks maine cold, therefore, I am.

“You’re holding up the line,” said the gal down us, openly disrespecting her elders. We hurried forward, flashed our IDs to an uncaring doorman and made our mode down a acheronian hallway to the main showroom. Black lights illuminated the arena, giving the country a purple glow, aided by flickering votive candles astatine the halfway of each table. But it was the cave’s inhabitants that caught our attention.

“Wow,” Debbie whispered.

Wow, indeed. About a twelve tanned, bare-chested men were gliding astir the room, holding up their trays and chiseled jawlines with practiced ease.

We claimed a adjacent bare array and assumed the “seated virgin” position: backs straight, knees and ankles locked together, hands folded protectively successful our laps.

A bow-tied waiter appeared retired of nowhere, his acheronian hairsbreadth smoothed backmost to uncover brushed brownish eyes and an easy, dimpled smile.

“Hi, I’m Randy,” helium said. “I’ll beryllium taking attraction of you this evening.”

Ha! “Randy,” I thought, trying to support a consecutive look arsenic helium took our orders. Suddenly, this each felt truthful ridiculous. Suddenly, I felt truthful ridiculous. Maybe this wasn’t specified a large idea.

I was astir to accidental conscionable that to Debbie erstwhile a blast of euphony chopped maine off. Spotlights circled the stage, resting connected six antheral figures lined up, facing signifier rear, the connection “T-Bird” stamped crossed their achromatic leather jackets. In 1 synchronized move, they turned astir to look us.

John Travolta sang: “Why this car is automatic. It’s systematic.”

There went the jackets. “It’s hyyy-dromatic.”

And the shirts.

“Why it’s greased lightning.”

And successful 1 miracle-Velcro move, the pants.

All that was near clinging to their hips and my modesty were matching achromatic leather G-strings.

Debbie grabbed her purse and started digging.

“What bash you need?” I yelled supra the crush of euphony and screaming women.

“These!” she said and rapidly slipped connected her eyeglasses.

The amusement went on, each seductive creation regular bolder than the 1 before. Soon, I was drunk connected Diet Coke, mozzarella sticks and the room’s undeniable energy. Halfway betwixt the classical “You Can Leave Your Hat On” and immoderate earnestly sensuous gyrations to Bon Jovi’s “Bed of Roses,” I shed my accustomed caution and started to person fun. When the dancers leaped disconnected the signifier and into the assemblage for the large finale, Debbie and I eagerly waved one- and five-dollar bills successful speech for a speedy hug oregon peck connected the cheek. Soon, our cache of escaped bills was depleted.

Debbie reached implicit to summation my attention. “Hey, isn’t that our waiter?”

I looked done the crush of bodies and falling confetti, and determination so was Randy, swaying his hips to promote the women successful his conception to tuck their tips into the precariously debased waistband of his achromatic jeans.

Debbie and I looked astatine each successful horror, realizing we’d conscionable spent each of our acceptable currency connected different men. She started digging successful her purse again, but it was excessively late. Randy had arrived astatine our table, moving suggestively to the still-pulsating music. Debbie and I rushed to explain. “We’ve got thing left. … We didn’t know. … We’ll adhd it to the bill. … You’ve done specified a bully job.”

“Not a problem,” helium said softly, looking straight astatine me.

I turned away. What. I’m excessively old, my chemoreceptor is excessively big, I’m not dressed right. I know. Believe me, I know.

Then Randy pulled maine up and into his arms. “I recognize it’s your birthday,” helium said earlier kissing a way down the exposed curve of my neck. A substance of daze and pleasance enveloped me, keeping maine very, precise still. He took my hands successful his, granting a chaste buss connected the backmost of each earlier turning 1 implicit to lightly lick the delicate halfway of my palm, past pressing it against his chest, holding it for a bushed earlier dilatory guiding its descent. My captive fingertips recorded each velvety inch of him connected their downward tour, pausing lone erstwhile impeded by the debased waistband of his jeans. His amused look dared maine to delve deeper.

But no. I pulled my manus backmost to safety. “That’s OK,” I said. “But convey you. That was wonderful.”

A gracious nod. “Ladies, it’s been a pleasure.” Then helium was gone.

I dropped backmost into my chair. “How breathtaking for you,” Debbie said. “I was hoping he’d bash something. I told him it was your birthday.”

Spent, I simply nodded.

The lights came backmost on, signaling the instrumentality to reality. We stayed back, letting the younger and much nimble women caput retired first. Sitting there, I felt a large relief. Ever since the divorce, I’d been plagued with doubts astir my desirability rating. After all, my ain hubby had mislaid involvement successful me. Case closed.

But this night’s escapade had proved him wrong. Oh, I knew the tendency successful Randy and the different dancers’ eyes was a paid-for illusion, but who cared? I had recovered passionateness again, and I welcomed its lukewarm embrace.

I raised my bare solid to Debbie. “To you, my jolly bully person gone wild.”

She laughed and stood up. “Ready?”

To spell home? “Yup.”

To find emotion again? Yes. Ready and able.

The author’s articles and essays person been featured successful Orange Coast, the Atlantic, Salon, the Boston Globe Magazine and more. She considers her top assertion to L.A. fame to beryllium uncovering emotion again — not successful a portion nine but astatine Hollywood’s Magic Castle, wherever she met her 2nd husband, Michael. Or arsenic she likes to telephone him, Magic Michael. Read much of her existent stories astatine her website, barbaranealvarma.com.

L.A. Affairs chronicles the hunt for romanticist emotion successful each its glorious expressions successful the L.A. area, and we privation to perceive your existent story. We wage $400 for a published essay. Email [email protected]. You tin find submission guidelines here. You tin find past columns here.