DAN GAINOR: Don’t dare say, ‘This is Sparta,’ and six other foolish stories from April

Spring has sprung and April was a period marked by out-of-control judges and a leftist writer from the Nation calling the U.S. Constitution, "a portion of crap." On the upside, the fantastic radical astatine Caterpillar celebrated their 100th anniversary. (Men emotion operation vehicles, truthful writer me.) 

We besides saw a gaggle of celebrated women flying to adjacent abstraction successful the Blue Origin spaceship. Don’t blasted maine that it became a manner story. Actual New York Times headlines: "Their Space Suit, Their Way" and "Lauren Sánchez teamed up with Monse to redesign the Blue Origin formation suits with its all-female motorboat successful mind." There was tons much and, acknowledgment to vocalist Katy Perry, that formation makes an added quality below.

"This is Sparta!"

You’d person to unrecorded disconnected the grid to person ne'er heard of the movie "300" oregon Gerard Butler’s celebrated country wherever helium kicks the Persian ambassador into a monolithic pit with a bombastic declaration, "This is Sparta!" (The pit didn’t person guardrails. Ancient Greece predates OSHA.) The somewhat humanities deed meant that men were abruptly reasoning of Rome and Greece. 

The 2006 film, "300," starring Gerard Butler, is simply a fictional retelling of the Battle of Thermopylae successful past Greece, wherever 300 Spartans battled the Persian army. (Warner Bros. Pictures/YouTube Screenshot)

Apparently, that’s conscionable excessively European. So, erstwhile a New York schoolhouse was forced to ditch its Native American mascot, it chose the Spartans arsenic a replacement, apt due to the fact that students watched the film. The Islip Town NAACP president filed suit due to the fact that that was each Greek to him. The ailment accused the schoolhouse of picking a awesome of "White supremacy" and "male misogynists." Lawyers and Karens are wherefore truthful galore teams person anserine mascot names now. 

BEWARE THE BULLDOZERS OF MARCH DIGGING UP THE MONTH’S 6 CRAZIEST STORIES

Character assassination

Ex-Washington Post newsman Taylor Lorenz was interviewed by CNN "MisinfoNation" big Donie O’Sullivan and it’s hard to archer who did worse. Lorenz rationalized radical who enactment Luigi Mangione, who is accused of murdering UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson. She went viral for this epic quote: "Here’s this antheral who’s a revolutionary, who’s famous, who’s handsome, who’s young, who’s smart, he’s a idiosyncratic who seems similar he’s this morally bully man, which is hard to find." I astir expected her to commencement performing an updated mentation of the meme "song," "I’m looking for a antheral successful finance…"

And O’Sullivan didn’t bat an eye, alternatively joking that, "Yeah, I conscionable realized women volition virtually day an assassin earlier they swipe close connected me. That’s wherever we’re at." The property that treats each remark connected the close similar it’s the extremity times discussing an accused assassin similar he’s a people hero. Disgusting? Yes. Surprising? No. 

Space cadets

Jeff Bezos, the second-richest antheral connected earth, likes his women spacey – literally. The billionaire proprietor of the Washington Post and Blue Origin sent his fiancée Lauren Sanchez and 5 different celebrated women into adjacent abstraction successful a chill stunt that Katy Perry did her champion to ruin. The vocalist had vowed to "put the ‘a--’ successful astronaut" and she surely managed that much. When she landed, she declared, "I consciousness ace connected to love," aft kneeling and kissing the crushed due to the fact that she flew successful a rocket for 11 minutes.

KATY PERRY RIDICULED FOR SPACE COSTUME ON LIFETIMES TOUR FOLLOWING BLUE ORIGIN FLIGHT DEBACLE

Her air-headedness generated bipartisan critique. The Atlantic headlined its slam, "The Perfect Pop Star for a Dumb Stunt." The Guardian’s Moira Donegan called it, "the utter decision of American feminism." Perry adjacent got fast-food mockery. Ad Week wrote up how, "Pop Crave announced that ‘Katy Perry has returned from space,’ Wendy’s replied: "Can we nonstop her back." Who knew Wendy’s was that spicey? 

Not the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

Fans of the 1984 deed "Ghostbusters," retrieve erstwhile Ray had to take his "form of the Destructor," helium summoned the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. That’s due to the fact that Ray said helium was, "something I loved from my childhood." Forty-one years later, kids inactive emotion marshmallows and, successful that spirit, the fabulous folks successful Royal Oak, Michigan, clasp a marshmallow driblet each year. For the kids. (I warrant the parents bask this conscionable arsenic much.) Helicopters driblet mountains of marshmallows, and the kids prime them up to commercialized them successful for prize bags. The choppers rained down 15,000 marshmallows successful all. Now, idiosyncratic needs a elephantine cupful of blistery cocoa to spell with it.

Dan Aykroyd played Ray, who summoned the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man successful "Ghostbusters." (Robin Platzer/Getty Images)

Getting Kneecapped

Organizers of the yearly performance fest Coachella were allegedly "blindsided" erstwhile a set named aft a convulsive enactment by the IRA (The Irish one, not your retirement.) took the broadside of Palestinian terrorists. The obscure Irish set Kneecap declared "F--- Israel, Free Palestine" successful large bold letters during their set. According to the BBC, "Their sanction is derived from alleged kneecapping - wherever young radical are changeable successful the legs by paramilitaries successful enactment and loyalist communities successful Northern Ireland."

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The Coachella incidental caused radical to bash a small digging connected the band. According to GBN from the U.K., "Footage emerged earlier this week from a 2024 gig showing 1 set subordinate seemingly shouting ‘up Hamas, up Hezbollah’ portion draped successful the panic organisation's flag." I americium shocked that gambling is going connected successful this casino.

Making a monkey retired of the law

This month’s wide outrage is the PETA radical suing for the First Amendment rights of monkeys. (I could constitute this full file astir PETA but that’s not bully for my health.) PETA’s ineligible lunacy stems from their interest "about macaques and their communications, including circumstantial penetration into Beamish, Sam Smith, Nick Nack, and Guinness." 

According to PETA, "No suit has ever tried to enforce the law close to person communications from animals who are undoubtedly consenting speakers." Maybe idiosyncratic could conscionable amusement them a mates Dr. Doolittle movies and they’d spell away. If not, possibly we tin prosecute Nick Nack to tally to Peta. It would astir apt beryllium much rational.

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Liberals emotion cleanable energy

Amid the left’s anti-Tesla madness, the Washington Post ran this story: "Clean vigor exec, ex-federal idiosyncratic charged with defacing Tesla vehicles." That’s right, Justin and Emily Fisher were charged with "defacing backstage property, constabulary said successful a statement," according to the Post. But here’s the champion part, "Emily Fisher is listed successful a biography posted connected the website of the nonprofit Smart Electric Power Alliance arsenic its main strategy officer."

Yep, a apical exec for a astute powerfulness enactment was accused of vandalizing Teslas, which are electrical vehicles. If true, that’s hardly smart. The confederation represents immoderate of the biggest names successful energy. Her sanction isn’t connected their website now, but she inactive lists the occupation connected LinkedIn. Just retrieve that the adjacent clip clime weenies assertion to attraction astir Gaia oregon Mother Nature.

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