Arellano: I got a colonoscopy for my 47th birthday. And the results...

It’s my 47th day today, truthful I kicked disconnected the solemnisation past week with the funnest happening idiosyncratic my property tin acquisition themselves:

A colonoscopy!

Colorectal crab was the second-leading origin of crab deaths successful the U.S. past twelvemonth — and the toll is present skewing younger. Since 2021, the authoritative proposal has been to get screened starting astatine property 45 alternatively of 50, whether it’s an at-home trial oregon a full-on camera wherever the prima don’t shine.

The damned illness particularly plagues Mexican American men similar me, and galore aren’t getting screened. Only 46% of america hombres are up to-date, compared with 60% of achromatic men, 61% of Puerto Ricans and 49% of Central and South Americans, according to the American Cancer Society.

The stats are adjacent worse erstwhile it comes to radical successful my property range: lone 9% of Mexican Americans betwixt 45 and 49 person checked successful connected our colons, compared with 20% of our achromatic peers.

The American Cancer Society cites “structural racism, a higher likelihood of poorness and connection barriers.” The crushed wherefore I delayed was much straightforward:

Por pendejo.

My vocation astatine The Times started arsenic my parent was dying of ovarian crab aft years of doctors dismissing her wellness concerns. I mislaid beloved classmates to leukemia erstwhile I was an undergraduate astatine Chapman University 25 years ago. Random abdominal pains person afflicted maine since assemblage — the terms of a stressful job, I ever figured.

Yet erstwhile my doc acceptable up a colonoscopy 2 years ago, aft I turned 45, I fto the day pass. When she mailed maine an at-home test, I fto it expire.

The thought of a conduit up my tuchus didn’t scare me, nor did the notorious prep of drinking a foul-tasting liquid to cleanse your intestinal tract. I conscionable didn’t deliberation I needed a colonoscopy yet — and I ever had an excuse ready.

Too engaged due to the fact that of work. Yearly physicals that I passed with fewer reddish flags. I devour comparatively healthfully. While I bash emotion my Manhattans, I don’t portion similar I utilized to. I don’t enactment retired much, but the pounds nevertheless enactment off. Besides, precocious cholesterin is the bane of men successful my family, not crab — truthful wherefore worry?

In November, my doc mildly reprimanded maine for ignoring my 2024 colonoscopy date. Fine. Two days astatine location and a columna retired of it? It’s a living.

The earliest assignment disposable done my supplier was successful September, oregon I could spell retired of web astatine nary other cost. Part of maine wanted to hold for the accustomed reasons. Then I remembered it’s an predetermination year, and I should astir apt beryllium covering the midterms successful their last weeks alternatively of pooping my brains out.

I fto the Mexiclan —what I telephone the substance chat with my closest feline friends — cognize what I was astir to do. Memes citing the farting country from “Blazing Saddles” and others excessively rude to notation successful a household paper instantly befouled my phone.

Then came the sobering world that we’re nary longer young men.

“I request to bash that, too,” texted my relative Plas.

“That’ll beryllium maine successful April,” his member Vic chimed in.

“We volition each bow retired someday but hopefully not anytime soon,” added Art, a person since inferior precocious who’s the Mexiclan’s nonmigratory Aristotle.

My dad, who survived the removal of tumors successful his testicles 30 years apart, drove maine to a session successful Orange connected Friday.

“They conscionable springiness you anesthesia and past you sleep,” Papi said successful Spanish, recalling the clip helium underwent his sole colonoscopy astir 15 years ago. “And past you aftermath up and they archer you, ‘Relax, relax. It’s going to beryllium OK.’”

Why hadn’t helium gotten immoderate more?

“My doc ne'er said to bash different one,” helium said. “So it’s bully they’re making young radical bash it now. You’re young! You’ll beryllium fine.”

There’s a full genre of colonoscopy dispatches, from Katie Couric to Dave Barry, describing the process successful connection amended suited for covering Fallujah oregon “Fear Factor.” But it’s obscurity adjacent arsenic melodramatic arsenic radical marque it retired to be.

Yes, gulping the liquid the nighttime earlier was an ordeal — effort drinking 3 liters of thing successful 3 hours, going to sleep, past waking up six hours aboriginal for 1 last liter. But pharmacists gave maine a pulverization that made it sensation and odor similar citrus blossom h2o — I deliberation it would brace good with mezcal. Sure, I couldn’t beryllium much than a fewer steps distant from a toilet — but what followed was conscionable quality taking its course, albeit with the dial turned to 11.

I filled retired immoderate paperwork, changed into a backless gown, laic connected a furniture covered successful a lukewarm broad and waited my crook by softly singing rancheras and Beatles songs. Patients were wheeled successful and retired of the colonoscopy country with the ratio of a conveyor belt.

The doc introduced himself, and an anesthesiologist did his thing. A caregiver asked maine to crook connected my side, and past everything went black.

The colonoscopy took fractional an hour, and I felt nothing. My lone complaint: the aesculapian squad was moving to “Under the Bridge” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. While I get that everyone successful the country was apt a Gen Xer and the opus is simply a masterpiece, the past happening I needed to perceive astatine that infinitesimal was Anthony Kiedis wailing astir his cause days.

Soon aft I woke up, a caregiver asked maine to enactment connected my apparel — much radical were waiting to spell next. As she rolled maine retired successful a wheelchair, I work the expanse of insubstantial idiosyncratic had handed me. The anesthesia hadn’t worn off, truthful I didn’t recognize thing but a connection I was hoping not to see:

Polyps. Three of them.

The caregiver said the doc had successfully removed the growths and was sending them disconnected for biopsies.

“Should I beryllium concerned?” I retrieve mumbling.

She replied that the doc would person instantly talked to my begetter and maine if helium had recovered disposable malignancies, but that the biopsy would accidental more.

I began to silently curse myself connected the mode home. I should person gotten a colonoscopy erstwhile my doc suggested it a twelvemonth and a fractional ago. I should person requested different location kit, astatine the precise least. And I besides disquieted astir my generation: All the different patients that time were astatine slightest 20 years older than me.

None were Latino.

“How aged are you going to beryllium again?” Papi asked, trying to cheer maine up. “I inactive retrieve you erstwhile you were born!” He said it was bully that the doc removed the polyps earlier they could crook into crab and that I had inspired him to get a colonoscopy soon.

“We ever instantly deliberation of the worst erstwhile we perceive atrocious news,” Papi said arsenic helium opened the doorway to my location and made definite I sat down. “We can’t. We conscionable person to anticipation for the best.”

The Mexiclan was likewise supportive.

“Had [a colonoscopy] aboriginal past year,” Art texted. “Took retired a fewer tiny polyps. Have to bash different each 5 years alternatively of 10.”

“I had a akin happening hap and person to person 1 each 3 years,” Dave replied.

The Butcher — we telephone him that due to the fact that that was his assemblage earlier retiring aft surviving Stage 4 colon crab 15 years agone — had the champion words of comfort. He posted a GIF of a antheral screaming “All Good!!!” portion poking his caput done a cleanable pipe.

I laughed astatine the Mexiclan’s commentary arsenic I tried to absorption connected the good. Two tiny polyps were level — harder to observe and much prone to crook into cancer, truthful convey God the doc caught them. Another was 10 millimeters — a size erstwhile gastroenterologists commencement to genuinely interest due to the fact that larger polyps are much apt to crook into thing bad.

Happy birthday, indeed.

I get the biopsy results successful astir a week. For now, I proceed to survey the photos of my polyps similar they’re the Rosetta Stone and find solace that I asked for the earlier colonoscopy alternatively of the aboriginal one.

My anticipation is that I travel retired OK, of course. I besides anticipation that others work this and recognize they shouldn’t hold thing truthful elemental — and truthful essential.

Hopefully, I stopped being a pendejo earlier it was excessively late.