A fool's journey: Notes from a clowning workshop

We each person an interior clown, a chaotic aforesaid whose yearning for delight is greater than the fearfulness of failure. A small 1 who wants to play during nap time, convenience to others beryllium damned. Underneath layers and layers of socialization, we each person a clown consenting to hazard heartbreak for joy. Or astatine slightest that’s the idea.

Clowning, an past creation signifier that includes but is not constricted to the reddish wigs and large shoes of the circus, is hard to define. Filed nether “physical comedy,” a clown communicates chiefly done their assemblage alternatively than words.

Yulissa wears Balenciaga overgarment and skirt, talent’s ain shoes.

All I’m definite of is that without an assemblage — to play with, to laughter oregon not laugh, and hopefully outcry and alteration — determination is nary clown. I’ll admit: When I started, I wanted the benefits of clowning, namely feeling comfy and adjacent coming to bask speechmaking my enactment successful public, without immoderate of the scary bits (and clowns successful America person rather a scary reputation). I had asked my archetypal clown teacher for backstage (read: audience-free) lessons. She chuckled implicit the phone: “It doesn’t enactment that way.” Thus began my fool’s journey, if you will, from frightened and mislaid to frightened and mislaid with a dash much openness to being vulnerable.

I was gladsome I was wearing sneakers due to the fact that I ended up moving from the subway presumption to the midtown Manhattan building. I arrived astatine Room 315 connected clip and retired of breath. It was a Saturday, and I was determination for a two-day workshop, from noon to 5 p.m., with an hr interruption for lunch, with Christopher Bayes. His credentials, successful a tract wherever it feels comic to person them, see studying nether clown masters Philippe Gaulier and Jacques Lecoq and moving arsenic the caput of carnal acting astatine Yale’s David Geffen School of Drama. While this each sounds technique-heavy, Bayes is known for valuing a heart-forward attack implicit an intelligence one. This was an grant for which I someway justified paying $300.

We began with introductions — names, pronouns, wherefore we were there. “I’m a writer,” I said, picking 1 job, retired of the 3 I had, astir suited to the moment. “And I’m penning a portion connected clowning.” I scanned the country and my eyes landed connected A, whom I recognized from different workshop. Our faces lighted up. We smiled — and clowns indispensable grin lone erstwhile they’re really blessed since, arsenic I learned successful workshop, a grin is simply a disguise — and waved to each other. When it was A’s turn, they explained that immoderate they were seeking from psychoanalysis, they were uncovering successful clowning.

In this radical of astir 25 people, determination was besides a theatre manager who flew each the mode to New York from San Francisco to instrumentality this workshop. There were a batch of radical who loved theatre and hoped a much honorable transportation with audiences would bring them back.

Next were the warm-up exercises. We started shaking our bodies, and I made different intelligence note: Actors and musicians each did warm-up exercises. What was the equivalent for writers? My thought was interrupted erstwhile Bayes instructed america to laughter precise hard. It had been a confusing week, a premix of macro calamity and micro wins. I cracked up, and it felt similar sobbing. The radical entered a frenzied state. I acclimated to the cacophony of primal sounds. We sounded similar the animals we thin to hide we are.

Yulissa wears Rio garment and vest, Elena Velez pants, Pskaufman… shoes.

“Now cry!” Bayes shouted. I wailed and made my ugliest face. I was screaming truthful large my dependable cracked and I had to cough to wide it. I said, “Why, ohio why?” I slapped my hands down connected my quads. I headed toward the floor. I curled into a shot and cried with my look hovering an inch supra the woody floor. I heard a dependable from above: “Don’t fell your sadness.” I stood up awkwardly having conscionable been reprimanded for crying the polite way. I needed to outcry the clown way, that is, instrumentality up space. I balled my hands into fists and stretched my arms retired and up. I turned my look toward the ceiling and blamed it for each that was incorrect with the world. Sobbing from the belly and feeling similar immoderate benignant of tragic figure, I doubled implicit successful laughter and present I couldn’t archer the quality betwixt the two.

Afterward, we separated into groups of four. We were fixed 10 minutes to devise a song, on with a dance. My radical chose the chorus “I emotion it.” We each had solos erstwhile we sang astir thing we genuinely loved. I sang astir my apartment, however I loved it. I got the instructions mixed up and tried to rhyme but learned I wasn’t expected to, truthful I sang, “Ohhhhhh, that’s easieeeeerrrr.” My solo came to a acheronian end: I loved my apartment, but I couldn’t spend it connected my own, without roommates, and adjacent if I could, it would beryllium selfish to unrecorded determination unsocial due to the fact that of the city’s lodging crisis. I sang astir however the rental vacancy complaint was 1.4% and that 5% was considered an emergency. There was obscurity other to go, truthful I sang to the assemblage to deliberation astir that. Some of the faces successful the assemblage looked scared. My radical sang, each together, “I emotion it, I emotion this love, I emotion love emotion love, yea I similar it!” We broke for lunch, and idiosyncratic added maine to the “Clown NYC” WhatsApp group. It has 712 members, and determination are aggregate threads, including “Shows & Mics,” “Meetup & Hangouts,” “Prop/Costume Exchange” — and “Housing.”

When I saw my archetypal clown show, Julia Masli’s “Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha,” my archetypal words mightiness person been, “What the f—?” Masli emerged connected a blueish acheronian signifier amid the haze of fog. I callback a Medusa-like nest of wires astir her caput with a airy illuminating her face. A golden mannequin’s limb with an attached microphone substituted arsenic Masli’s near arm. She was bundled successful a witchy outfit resembling a duvet cover. Masli looked extraterrestrial, implicit with the wide, guiltless look of a being looking upon our nine and its problems from a caller perspective.

As a clown, it’s perfect if you deterioration thing truthful stupid, radical laughter conscionable glancing astatine you. A performer’s costume signals to the assemblage that they’re successful a abstraction operating extracurricular of societal norms, a spot of amplification. While a clown’s “look” tin beryllium idiosyncratic and interesting, what starts disconnected arsenic comic and absurd gives mode to the profound. In this way, clowning appears airy and gets deep. With the enactment of aesthetics, a clown communicates, “Isn’t being quality with each of its striving for presumption and repression successful bid to acceptable successful benignant of ridiculous?”

In “Nothing Doing,” a work-in-progress, clown Alex Tatarsky announced astatine the apical that they didn’t judge successful enactment oregon progress. They entered the signifier successful a apical hat, achromatic sequined leotard, rhinestone heels, sporting a long, heavy braid attached to their hair. When they turned astir for the archetypal time, I was treated to a grotesque disguise astatine the backmost of Tatarsky’s caput and prosthetic cleavage that mightiness person besides been the integrative molding of butt cheeks. By the adjacent of their show, aft having mimed chasing aft the performance’s nonexistent plot, Tatarsky sat astatine the caput of a table, facing the audience, eating Life cereal with milk, with their hands, retired of an bare skull, and astatine 1 constituent chewed and swallowed a cigarette. They said thing like, “Darling, I conscionable privation you to emotion me, but it’s repulsive erstwhile I’m this desperate.” This desperation, alternatively than repelling me, became a root of connection. I recovered myself falling successful emotion with this clown and, successful turn, with the parts of myself I thin to reject.

Yulissa wears Willy Chavarria shirt, Rio skirt, Pskaufman… shoes.

In the situation of a clown workshop, practicing nonaccomplishment of power (a clown can’t program for an audience’s response) and being contiguous with what is (a clown works with immoderate they’ve got) tin consciousness good. One eases disconnected expecting circumstantial results and being disappointed erstwhile things don’t crook retired according to a rigid imaginativeness of occurrence and delights successful surprises nary 1 could person imagined. If clowning is connected the rise, and it surely feels that way, it mightiness beryllium due to the fact that it provides alleviation from having to support it together.

On the 2nd time of the workshop, we tried a antithetic exercise. Two conventionally charismatic men were onstage, and I was prepared to hatred them both. Why? Because conventionally charismatic men nonstop maine hurtling backmost successful clip to erstwhile I was an awkward preteen, and I’ve since developed an aversion. Bayes instructed them to get to cognize each other. They looked uncomfortable. One extended a handshake to the other. The assemblage booed astatine the predictably masculine, business-like gesture. Then, Bayes told them to crook distant from each different and locomotion to other ends of the room. One faced signifier left, the different signifier right.

They had to leap astir to look each different and onshore astatine the nonstop aforesaid time. They kept failing. “Oh, travel on,” I jeered. Ten minutes passed. The assemblage was exasperated. An eternity passed. One would crook astir portion the different didn’t move. Was I cursing them somehow? One wore a crisp achromatic T-shirt that looked costly with achromatic wide-leg trousers. He had shoulder-length hairsbreadth parted down the middle, similar a model. The other, a achromatic T-shirt that looked worn-in, achromatic joggers and a delicate hoop earring. Both were barefoot. They kept missing adjacent though they could technically cheat and acceptable a signifier for the different to follow. It was agony. Bayes, who was sitting adjacent to me, drew my attraction to the antheral connected the right. He was twitching. His eyebrows, his legs. The impulses were each confused. I laughed. I thanked the heavens that my show of the aforesaid workout didn’t spell this badly.

Bayes told them, “You’re not getting it due to the fact that you haven’t tucked successful your shirts and raised your pants each the mode up.” The 2 clowns followed the instructions. Now, they looked much ridiculous and endearing. We waited. We breathed. Finally. They jumped. They landed astatine the nonstop aforesaid time. People erupted successful applause. A large hostility was released. I roseate from my spot on with others for a lasting ovation. No substance however hopeless it seems, a clown tin ever triumph backmost the audience.

Yulissa wears Elena Velez shirt, pants, and hat, Pskaufman… shoes.

Now, the 2 men were facing each other. There were much boos. They mislaid america due to the fact that they were “trying” again. I joined in, feeling similar I was astatine a wrestling lucifer wherever I wanted neither enactment to win. Now they were holding hands and squatting up and down vigorously. “Say, ‘Oh, yeah,’ ” shouted Bayes. They complied successful unison. “Now say, ‘Oh, daddy,’ ” Bayes shouted. Again, the 2 complied, but they missed a bushed and present they were saying “Daddy, O” successful a guttural mode arsenic they continued holding hands and squatting up and down. I was laughing hard and clapping my hands. I was afloat of glee. In little than 30 minutes, I’d seen myself mirrored and altered. I could beryllium idiosyncratic who was acrophobic of being successful beforehand of others. Cocooned successful the information of a crowd, I could beryllium cruel. I could beryllium extravagantly generous. The clown wanted my emotion regardless. The clown was determination to clasp it all. I learned things that words neglect to capture.

You had to beryllium there. And that’s what I emotion astir astir clowning — it brings you into the now. Everything other fades away. It’s nary longer astir the signifier thing takes but astir the attempt. No 1 is ever done arsenic a clown.

Later that week, I recovered myself singing a stupid-sweet opus from the store called “Open Like a Little Flower.” The adjacent enactment was “Open similar a antithetic benignant of flower.” I remembered Bayes saying that erstwhile you spell looking for beauty, you find it. I remembered excessively my pounding heart. Breathing hard from carnal exertion. Buzzing with the precocious of a corporate response, with the feeling of wholeness.

Priscilla Posada is simply a writer surviving successful New York City. Her enactment tin beryllium recovered successful the Los Angeles Review of Books, BOMB and the Brooklyn Rail, among different places.